Chapter 1

Chapter 1
A Painful Memory

…It was Thanksgiving Day November 26, 1953 and I was 18 years old. My sister, her husband, and their brand new baby girl, Eliza Christine, were up for the holidays. The ground was hard from an early frost and snow flurries were scuttling here and there outside the window. The turkey, stuffed overflowing with dressing, made a beautiful center piece on our dining room table. Mama had made sugared sweet potatoes, spice green beans, a squash casserole, and some of her wonderful homemade biscuits. Papa’s only contribution to the meal would be his sawmill gravy and his aid in carving the turkey. I had gotten the dusty china from the cupboard and spent a better part of the day polishing it until it shown like glass. The table was set, the food ready and smelling delicious, glasses clinking, thanks was said to God and to each other, and all the while my heart was not in it. My head was full of fog and I couldn’t wrap it around the festivities. Mama had hoped I would get out of the state I was in, but over the last few months I had slipped further and further into despair. I had lost my William and there was no joy, so it seemed, in my heart for anything.

Sweet William, my precious sweet William died almost two years prior on my birthday. We had met at church of all places, and he courted me like a true gentleman even asking Papa’s permission before he did so. I remember the first time that I saw him dashing and perfect in his Army uniform. I was so proud of him for serving his country and I felt crisp and smart and important by his side. That was the summer of 1950. Purple Heart in hand, he returned to me in the summer of 1951. The town threw a big parade and party in his honor and once again I felt my head rise and my heart swell as I was escorted on his arm through every moment. He was about 2 inches taller than me, broad shouldered, thick mane of black hair, rough hands, gentle eyes, and a warming smile. He cared for me as if I was the most prized possession he had, and I saw a glimmer every time I caught his eye. We had planned a large ice skating party down at Mill’s Pond for my sixteenth birthday. I had protested at first because I felt it not important to celebrate my birthday. Will felt it extremely important to celebrate due in part to the entire racket the town had been making about him, and as he said, “Cindy, I want to always acknowledge the day the Lord saw fit to create my miracle.” Never, at that time in my life had I been loved more, and I wondered now how I could ever be loved like that again.

“Cindy, where is your mind girl?” “Huh!” I replied, as I slowly came out of my bittersweet memory. I turned from the window where I was watching the last snowflake fall to the ground and saw Mama’s concerned eyes staring at me, in fact the whole room had quieted and I had four pairs of eyes staring at me. Eliza was gaily playing with her food and had no care of what was going on around her. I blinked quickly trying to refocus my thoughts off of William and the constriction it still brought to my throat. “Are you alright dear? Megan has asked you three times for the green beans.” “Oh, I’m so sorry,” I said quickly passing the green beans to my sister, “my mind must be somewhere else.” “But, you are sure you are alright!” With a resolute sigh I looked Mama in the face, “I’m fine, really, don’t fuss so much. However, I don’t seem to have an appetite may I be excused.” Mama still wasn’t convinced that I was truly alright, but she resigned in letting me go to my room early.
I leaned hard on the door frame trying to derive some source of strength from the hard wood; nothing came, so I turned to the window to look at the still falling snow. Tiny flakes fluttered here and there hitting the hard ground in tufts of swirling snow dust. It took my thoughts back to that fateful January morning…

…I woke up with a thrill in my chest at the thought of my party that evening. My body buzzing with all the excitement I slipped from my warm bed just as the night sky was turning a light shade of purple. I checked my clock, 6:15am, and quickly scuttled across the cool wooden floor to my bathroom. After spending a few extra minutes under the hot sprays of the shower head I came downstairs to whip up a quick bite to eat. Mama had heard me traipsing about and came downstairs shortly after to find me with a breakfast which consisted of last nights roast beef stuffed between two pieces of bread and a tall glass of cold milk.

“Sweetheart, what are you doing up so early and what in the world are you eating, let me fix you some eggs or oatmeal at least.” “Don’t have time,” I said with stuffed mouth. “Sally’s picking me up in fifteen minutes. We are heading over to Mill’s Pond to decorate for the party.”

“Very well, you have always had a mind of your own little one.”

I grinned and kissed her with a still milky mouth, “I love you Mama, you know that don’t you.” She proceeded to roll her eyes and give me a reassuring pat on the behind. “Just be careful tonight and have fun, if that is what you kid’s call freezing your hind-ends off in the middle of winter on some frozen pond.” I grinned and fluttered my eyes at her as I finished up the remainder of my make shift breakfast. A wrap-tap-tap was heard at the front door and I was gone out of my Mama’s site to greet my best friend since grade school at the front door.

“Will is going to take care of the cake and he mentioned he had a few tricks up his sleeve, which you never know if that is a good thing or not. Ms. Prissy-Snot Sally Henderson said that she regretted not being able to attend what she deemed to be a less than acceptable social event but her stepfather was taking them all skiing in Aspen. I simply told her that I don’t remember us ever inviting her. You should have seen how many shades of red her face turned and then she turned on her heels with a huff and scooted out of my sight. Oh, Rick, Jimmy, Sam, and Caleb said they would be coming. Don’t you think that Caleb has the dreamiest hands? Most people say that eyes are windows to the soul, but I just don’t agree. You can tell a lot about a person by their hands. Linda, Mary, Karen, and Samantha promise to make it as well. Karen just squealed with delight when I invited her. I hope we have enough punch for Mary, you know how much she likes punch. Donald, Suzanne, Cherie, Bill, and Rod are all maybes, but either way I think it is going to be a smashing party don’t you. Oh Cindy, your Will, I just hope that one day I can find someone that cares for me as much as he cares for you and is as dreamy as him as well as…” This was Sally her mouth barely keeping up with her mind, and whatever her mind thought her mouth was bound to say, blonde, perky, with a dumpling figure, adorable dimples, and a light salting of freckles. You either liked her or you didn’t, and I absolutely adored her. She had been there for me through all the hardships in life from my first skinned knee to my first breakup and I was determined never to let her go.

Sally and I made it to the pond in under and hour. We unloaded the decorations she had stored in the back of her car and went to work. Mill’s Pond had a wonderful picnic area which made set-up a breeze. It was an open space with a fireplace at one end. A fire would be lit for those coming up and down from the frozen pond to warm frost bitten cheeks, noses, and numbing hands. Samantha had promised to bring both hot apple cider and hot chocolate. Linda was bringing her to die for caramel apples, Sally’s beloved Caleb had promised to bring firewood for the fire, and all the other guests were required to bring at least one side item.

The buzz that had awoken me so early that morning had not yet subsided and I felt a chill run through me as I saw Will’s car pull into the parking space next to where Sally and I had parked. We both waved him in and I was greeted with a proper kiss on the cheek.

Little Andy scrunched up his chocolaty nose at this, “Ewe, Grandma he gave you a kiss, I HATE kisses.” Audrey rolled her eyes once again, “Would you please let Grandma continue on with the story Andy, you really are a baby sometimes you know that!” Andy hated worse than anything to be called a baby and he proceeded to remind his sister of this fact by punching her right and proper in the arm. “Why you little brat,” Audrey said taking Andy’s hand and giving it a firm swat.

“Alright you two, if this continues no one gets to hear more of the story!”

“Oh, please Grandma we will be good, won’t we Andy.”
Andy looked sheepishly up at his sister and Grandma. Finally resolved that he really did want to listen to the story more than argue with his sister about what a big boy he was he resolutely shook his head in an up and down motion signifying he would be causing no more struggle. “Very well,” Cindy said and proceeded to continue when Audrey asked her a question. “Grandma, do you still think of William with sadness in your heart?” Cindy took a few moments to think about what her granddaughter had asked her and turned to look both her grandchildren in the eyes, “I often think of Will and thank the Lord for sending him to me. He was the first person who taught me about real love, but if I hadn’t married Grandpa then I wouldn’t have had your Mother and I wouldn’t get the privilege of saying that I have two of the most beautiful grandchildren in the world. No, my dear sweet Audrey, I don’t look at him with sadness anymore. When I think of my Will I think of laughter, and warm kisses, and crisp uniforms, and youthful love. I’m grateful for that time. I’m a better person because of it. I also, even though it took me a long time, became a better wife to Grandpa because of what happened. Now, look at me, getting all off track, where was I, ah yes my sixteenth birthday party and the beginning of a new and tragic chapter in my life…”

Everyone who said they would come indeed showed up and even a few maybes made a grand appearance. We had enough food to feed a small army, and after much care Caleb and Will had a roaring fire going in the fireplace. The candles reflected off the streamers and shiny wrapping paper like diamonds. Everyone was laughing, munching on goodies, and taking turns skating around the pond. When Will and I took our turn on the frozen pond I thought my breath was going to be taken away. He was a champion skater and the speeds he reached made me feel more like I was flying through the air than gliding on ice. We returned to the fire, noses red, hands shaking, and laughter seeping through parted lips. We warmed ourselves with both hot apple cider and hot chocolate and sat back to enjoy the view below. The ice on Mill’s Pond was as black as tar, and the small lamps reflected an eerie glow across its polished surface. The skaters looked like they were actually skating atop a black hole rather than a frozen pond. The strange ‘schwip – schwip’ sound the skates made as they sliced through the blackness was hypnotic. The squeals of laughter rose like smoke and vibrated through the night sky. It was such a serene and magical moment, Will pulled me closer to him and a shiver rushed through my body. “Are you cold?” he asked. “No, just excited, thank you so much for throwing this party for me Will, it has been so magical.” “Can’t possibly think of someone who deserves it more”, he said as he leaned in for a kiss on the lips.

Another big “EWWW” slipped from Andy’s lips over the mention of a kiss, and Audrey gave him the stare of death which made him scrunch further under his Grandmother’s arm for protection. Cindy smiled amusingly at her two grandchildren and continued on…

The party was a huge success. I had an abundant stash of marvelous gifts. Sally had gotten me a beautiful and smart hat for the winter months that I could wear with my nice winter coat and with many fashionable outfits. Rick, Jimmy, Sam, and Caleb all went in and got me a gift certificate to the ice cream shop. I could eat ice cream all year round. Linda and Mary had made me beautiful mittens and a scarf. Karen and Samantha each got me the most beautiful broaches. I was so pleased with all my gifts I couldn’t possibly have asked for more. Will had been keeping to himself a little during the chaotic opening of presents and I had almost forgotten he was there as he peeled his way to the front of the crowd with something hidden behind his back. He was looking at me in the strangest way and still to this day I can’t fully comprehend what it conveyed. Oh, his eyes held great love and a little mischief, his nerves were definitely working overtime, but there was this sweet sadness about him that made me slightly uneasy about the whole thing. Before I knew what was happening Will was down on one knee and I was staring at a tiny blue satin box which opened and displayed a beautiful diamond engagement ring. I hadn’t heard a word of what he said. It was if the oxygen had been swept out of the entire universe. Soon my eyes were sending muddy streams of mascara and tears down my cheeks. Sally finally interjected some humor in the very tense moment, “Well, knucklehead what do you say to his proposal?” “What?” was all I could whisper shaking my head in confusion. “ARE YOU GOING TO MARRY HIM?” she yelled. I looked into those blue pools of his and saw a flash of concern. I proceeded to get on my knees with him and cup his face in my hands turning his head so our gaze met. “William Michael Donahue I would be honored to be your wife!”

An eruption like nothing I’ve heard since came from the crowd gathered and the next thing I knew I’m being hoisted up in my dear Will’s arms and swung around like a rag doll. He was laughing and crying…it was the only time I ever saw him cry, and it brought another wave of uneasiness that I forced down at this joyful moment.

People began to take their leave and soon it was just Caleb, Sally, Will, and I left to clean up the mess. We gathered up the streamers, dirty dishes, cups, and utensils, along with the discarded wrapping paper in bags and hauled them off to the dumpster at the corner of the park that incased the pond. We took the gifts and a few mementos from this most glorious occasion to Sally’s car while Caleb and Will extinguished the still burning embers in the fireplace. What happened next is still a bit confusing in my mind, but I remember Will running past me as Sally and I were coming back from the car, he brushed his hand across my stomach and leaned his head close to my ear and said, “You know I love you more than all the gals in the world.” He looked at me with such a twinkle in his eye, yelled a big “YAHOO” and proceeded to go sliding on the ice with his boots. At first it was the most hilarious thing to see. He was slipping and falling, laughing, making goofy faces, basically mugging for the three of us. He slid to one side of the pond, hoisted himself in the air with one foot as if to do a twirl, and came down hard on the ice. It stunned him a little and I yelled, “Are you okay?” “Yep, Nothing broken!” he said as he began to steady himself upright. Then the worst sound echoed through the night sky. It was the sound of the ice cracking. I saw the fear in his eyes as he looked at me before his weight broke through the ice and sent him into the frigid water below. Caleb was already scrambling to get down to the pond and he desperately tried to get him without being sucked in himself. They said later that because of the mild winter we had the ice hadn’t frozen through as completely as most of us hoped, the combination of the wear and tear of a night of skating and the weight of Will’s heavy jacket and boots had caused the ice to break and kept Will from breaking free. I lost him that night, along with all my hopes and my dreams. I felt as black as the water that had swallowed him up and I wished it had swallowed me up too.