This Skin Doesn't Fit!

I had a rant a couple of months of go. It is so long in fact and some of it simply isn't appropriate to put in the blog that I've had to shorten it. I just kinda wanted to share a little of it to show you guys where I am right now...

I'm feeling a bit displaced at the moment...Like the ground has slipped from beneath me and I have no memory of it or how I got here. I've been living in a haze of thoughts, emotions, and weird feelings for about the last month or so. I'm so dang internal right now that nothing seems tangible in my own head! I just want the voices to quiet and have a bit of normalcy (a word, not sure?), but for me that is a wish that will not happen! I'm forced to plant my feet on sod that I don't wish to tread right now and while I believe, trust, love God with all my heart a part of me doesn't want to. In the end I think that is the tale tale truth that I really DON'T trust Him, huh! A part of me wants to live my own way on my wings of wax and feathers. And you know what happens when I get to close to the sun! I know He has to give me wings to fly, but right now I'm struggling between self and desire and God just doesn't seem to fit! I want Him to fit, I miss Him, and I want Him to be a part of my life in a way that I've never imagined...and then part of me doesn't! Maybe that's the problem...I can't really make God fit! I have to fit into His will. No matter how much good...prayer, devotion, Bible reading I do, or how much bad I do...not doing all that stuff, whatever else I might do bad (leave it to your imagination)...I can't really appease or displease God! I can't make God do what I want Him to do.The true matter of fact is that no matter what I do it doesn't change who God is one bit, or how He feels about me why can't I get that into this thick thick head of mine. It's like all this DiVinci (somehow I feel I messed that up) Code nonsense...I mean really, you think a book and a movie can change the character of God. People are going to choose what they believe no matter what...it doesn't change the truth! I've been doing an extremely unbalanced balancing act...the result could just become cyticlsmic (this is the part of the program where Melissa makes up the spelling of words :)! It's either all or nothing! I'm either the "perfect" Christian forsaking all my desires going to live in the middle of nowhere to serve Christ to a rural nation or I'm gung-ho ready to grasp what this world calls life. Now, I would love to be a missionary...missionaries amaze me...I'm drawn to their ultimate devotion to Christ, and I feel guilty that I haven't been called...that maybe I'm not doing enough...that to be a REAL missionary means the things stated above...and being a REAL sold out Christian means that kind of sacrifice and otherwise I'm not in the will of God or I flip the coin & say "Screw you God...I want this!"

I can't keep living this way...it isn't authentic....and it goes back to my fear of rejection, what will people think of me. In the end the only one who I should be concerned with thinking anything about me is Christ!