Chapter 5

Chapter 5
Broken Pride


I sat in the cold dark dining room looking out the frosted window at the winter wonderland outside. I was hugging myself and blowing my hands to stay warm to stubborn and ill to go light a fire to warm the house. Large pools welled just under my eyelids but I refused to let tears fall. I rocked back and forth and wrestled with the horrible dream I had the night before. It was if the winter storm and my mind had conspired against me, to remind me that life was not as it should be, and the only one to blame was God. He had caused all of this. He had made me fall in love with William, He had caused him to die, He had made me feel something for Jeremy and betray my precious William, He was the one that had made me live the nightmare of William’s death once more last night. When would it all end? Did He find pleasure in torturing me? Was it all some cosmic joke? Look at Cindy down there hurt, broken, and confused; let’s see what we can do to her next. I was at my wits end and simply couldn’t understand why my family and Jeremy even chose to step foot inside the church doors to worship a God like that.

“WHYYYYYY?” I screamed as I hit the floor with my knees the tears that I fought so hard to keep bottled up behind closed eyelids protested their freedom until they finally broke free. Once they fell there was no amount of will to keep them back, the dam had broken and my body was racked with sobs and wailing. My heart hurt so terribly that I thought it would literally burst out of my chest, and my head pounded with jumbled thought upon jumbled thought. I was breaking in two and I just wanted to be swallowed up. A memory of the conversation Jeremy and I had after the wonderful Market trip paralyzed me with anguish. Why did he have to ruin such a perfect day?

We had loaded the groceries up in the back of the car with Nate’s help, said our goodbye’s and headed back to the house; the window’s rolled up this time. I was in a dreamy sort of mood enjoying every minute of the peaceful drive and beautiful scenery. Jeremy had been with us for almost three weeks now and there was still so much we didn’t know about him. How could we barely know this man and yet feel like we had known him all our lives? When asked about family he said he had none to speak of, that those he met along the way had become his family. He didn’t reckon he would ever get married, for who would really want to live this kind of lifestyle. My heart fell at this, but I tried hard to not let it show. People tended to take him at face value and whatever past or who he had left was his business. He was matter of fact, honest, and genuine and that seemed enough for folk. It was certainly enough for me. I had fallen in love with him and had resigned myself that William would have wanted me to be happy, and that if I couldn’t have William I wanted Jeremy. I just had to figure out a way to keep him here and change his mind about settling down and having a family.

“What are you thinking about?” “Hmmm…” I said dreamily not realizing that I had been a million miles away in my thoughts. “What are you thinking about?” Jeremy reiterated. “Oh, about this Christmas I guess, and how I think I’m really going to enjoy it. Jeremy, have you ever considered making this place home? I mean everyone loves you, and the old Milford place is empty. It could use some fixin up, but you’re so good with things like that you could make it a real show piece of a home. What do you think?”

He sat staring out the front windshield at the road ahead for a long time before he answered. So long in fact I thought I had said too much too soon. Just when I thought he wasn’t going to answer he surprised me with a question of his own. “Cindy, have you been back to Mill’s Pond since the accident?” A gasp shuddered across my lips. I couldn’t believe he was asking me something so personal. I had found it easy to share with Jeremy many things about William even his death, but this question was like hot coals being poured out on me. I couldn’t imagine why he would be asking such a thing.

“Of course not! I mean I still have nightmares about that night. Why would I want to go back and face more horrific memories of that tragic day? I can’t imagine why someone would ask such a cruel and cold question!”

“I wasn’t trying to be cruel or cold Cindy. I only mentioned it because I think it might help, and I was going to say that I would be glad to go with you if you would like, maybe say a little something, or take something of his to place there. It could just be one more step towards healing.”

“What do you know about it?” I snapped. “Really Jeremy I can’t believe you. I shared something really personal with you and you just slapped my face with it. Maybe it is better that you won’t settle down. Maybe it is better that you will be leaving after Christmas. I’m tired of this conversation and I don’t wish to continue it.”

I wanted to run as fast as my legs could carry me away from the situation, but I was trapped in the confines of the vehicle. We sat in cold silence for the rest of the drive home. I kept feeling Jeremy’s eyes on me and each time the gaze made me feel more uncomfortable, as if I had done something wrong. I set my jaw with determination. I had done nothing wrong. He didn’t know what it was like, and he had no right to tell me how I should act or feel.

“WHHHHHY?” another scream, more tears, more confusion, all of it blurring together. I threw myself upon the dining room floor; large uncontrollable sobs seeped out of my body. I thought I would die, I was praying for it, hoping for it when I heard, “Cindy, I’m here.” I caught myself in mid sob and tried to quiet the trembling the best I could. Had Jeremy come home early from church to find me in this state? Was it a neighbor stopping by to see if he could come work on a project? The house was as quiet as it had been before, but I knew with certainty that I had heard a voice call in the darkness. I thought I was going crazy.

I managed to pick myself up off the floor. I slid the dining room chair back into its proper spot at the table. I slowly made my way up the long flight of stairs into my bathroom. Maybe a hot bubble bath would settle my nerves. I ran the water hot and sat soaking until it turned lukewarm. I heard the sound of Dad’s old Chevy pulling into the drive and car doors closing as people scuttled to get inside where it was warm. I quickly got out and placed a robe around me. The water was already almost completely out of the tub and I was busy detangling my wet hair in front of my vanity mirror when Mama came in to check on me. I reassured her everything was fine. I simply wasn’t feeling quite myself and all I needed was sleep. There would be no need for her to call me to the supper table that night. I lay in bed for a long time listening to the laughter and clinking of dishes as the evening meal was served. I found it impossible to sleep and my stomach growled in protest of its hunger. However, I refused to relinquish my stance and stayed wrapped beneath my covers and clouded thoughts.

The next morning I awoke with a horrific headache and Mama fed me Aspirin accompanied by hardy breakfast of toast, eggs, and bacon and kept me tucked in bed. I preferred it that way. I frankly didn’t want to see anyone after the way I had been acting. I was blaming everyone else for my own pain, and I realized that I had treated Jeremy in the worst way. He was only trying to help that was all everyone was trying to do. William would not have wanted me to act this way at all. I realized I had been unfair to God as well, although I wasn’t fully ready to relinquish that fight. I knew it wasn’t his fault all of this happened. The voice I had heard the night before ate at me. I couldn’t reconcile myself to the thought of who spoke those words. I simply was a jumbled mess and thought if I stayed another day in bed I could sort things out.