Chapter 7

Chapter 7
Letting Go

Tuesday December 23, 1953, the day Jeremy was returning home. I had spent the proceeding days helping Mama prepare the pies for the great tree lighting celebration the town held every Christmas Eve, buying gifts for the family, and reading my Bible. Papa and Mama were thrilled when I started attending Sunday services again. I had even agreed to help with the pageant the children would be performing Christmas Eve. I felt so full to overflowing and I was wondering if Jeremy would be able to tell the difference. The past was behind me and I hoped it would be for him as well. I wanted to get on with living and I wanted him to be a part of that living. A shiver ran up my spine at the thought of it. I hummed a Christmas carol as I cut up figs for Mama’s fig and peach pie. I was so deeply enthralled with the moment I didn’t hear the front door open and close, the tapping of shoes to release unwanted snow, or the rustle of someone hanging up their coat. My heart gave a flutter and a scream flew from my mouth, knife and fig falling to the floor. I turned to see Jeremy standing with a quite pleased look on his face.

“All I did was say hello Cindy!”

“Jeremy,” I said breathless. “You scared me about half to death. Gracious, I didn’t even hear you come in.”

“I have light feet,” he interjected as he reached down to retrieve the knife and now useless fig. “You are looking quite well.”

Pleased he noticed I blushed under the complement, “I am feeling quite well.” “It seems while I’ve been away you have gotten your spirit back.” He looked as if he was peering into my soul. My heart fluttered so violently I thought it would flutter right out of my chest.

“Are you hungry? You must be? What was your job? Did they feed you well? Goodness we have so much preparation to do before Christmas Eve? Little Eliza is just beyond herself with excitement over getting the tree tonight. I’m so glad you are back, so very…” My thoughts were cut off with Jeremy’s hearty laugh. “My goodness girl calm down and give a man the chance to catch his breath,” leaning in ever so slightly, “I’m happy to see you too.” Tears glistened behind my eyes and I wrapped my arms around his middle; he returned the affection in an embracing hug.
The rest of the day was full and rich as I settled in my new found faith and the joy of the season. Jeremy and I talked much during the day about the events of the last several weeks, as I shared my story and apologized for my actions I found warmth and forgiveness from this mysterious and wondrous man. My thoughts and hopes soared at the possibilities that lay ahead as I began to prepare my future with Jeremy in mind. The children thrived in their roles in the pageant and I beamed with pride over the thought of what a delicious performance it would be for Christmas Eve. I was humming to myself again while preparing a crust for another one of Mama’s pies when Jeremy startled me once again.

“You have got to quit doing that.”

With a boyish grin he reiterated his question, “You my dear have been on your feet far too much today, I was wondering if the newly revived Cindy might like to get out of this house for a few hours and take a drive with me? Your Papa has given me permission to borrow the car.”

“I would love too; let me go get my coat.”

It wasn’t long before Jeremy and I were chugging along the snowy roads, the relaxed atmosphere between us once again restored. We chatted about the Christmas tree lighting and the pageant, and the job that had kept him away for several days. Contentment and peace filled every part of me and I relished the richness of his husky voice and the sent of his shampoo. We had settled down to an easy hum, a few small words between us breaking the comfortable silence.

“Thank you for restoring our relationship Lord. I am so blessed to know this man.”

I leaned back closed my eyes and snuggled in the warmth of the moment. I did not open them again until the car stopped and Jeremy shut off the engine. Sleepily I stretched and turned my face to his. “Where are we?” I asked with a quiet yawn. His answer left me unsettled. “Do you trust me?” “Of course I trust…” my words caught in my throat as I surveyed the landscape outside the car window. “Oh God, no…please…Jeremy I can’t, I just can’t…no please Lord…take me home, I won’t…no…”

Tears flowed down my cheeks as my body began to shake with the tremble of dread. Jeremy cupped my face and turned it once again towards his own. “Trust me,” was all that he said his eyes aglow with something I had never seen before in my entire life. Strength flooded through him to me and all I managed was a nod from my still cupped head.

The cool air shocked my senses and it took a moment to steady my wobbly knees. Jeremy took my arm, “Lean on me…” I did whole heartily as we traveled down the rickety steps toward Mill’s Pond. The steps were slick with ice, but Jeremy held firm, and as we made our way to the glassy blackness of my past snowflakes began to dust the ground with their magical touch. My heart was beating in my throat; my hands were sweating, and my mouth dry. A blanket of snow hugged the pond as I peered over the edge of the shiny service reflecting the still gapping hole in my heart. The pain was beyond anything I had ever imagined as I once again relived the horrifying night over. My heart was sure to explode from the grief and pain that it felt. I could feel my old defenses rise, the same bitter root of preservation growing inside. “This isn’t fair…”

I hadn’t realized I had even said the words aloud until Jeremy responded, “No Cindy, this isn’t fair, life is bitter and hard, but our good Lord works best this way, He can heal that hole inside, this is the last precious leg of the journey to truly being free.”

Tears blurred my vision as his words cut deep through the core of me shattering the bitter root and flooding my soul with all the emotions I held captive by my own self-righteous anger.

“Will, oh my precious Will…how I loved you. Thank you God for him, thank you for allowing me to know this man…I love you Lord…forgive me. Help me to let go!”

A shutter ran through my limbs and my heart grew very quiet and still. My mind eased and the ache subsided. When I finally regained my composure and sat looking out at the expanse of the landscape joy began to replace sorrow. I was able to see the joy of the moments Will and I had. It was an aroma sweet, soft, and fragrant. I drank deeply.

Jeremy touched my shoulder his words catching in his throat, “It’s time…” Looking into the tear stained face of his I thought I caught a glimpse of something more, a journey long lived, a space that wasn’t filled with time or worry, with no beginning or end. It was both comforting and terrifying. He helped me to rise and the walk and ride home were filled with silence. The engine puffed along the snowy roads, as the snow clouds dissipated and revealed a night sky more brilliant than any I had ever seen. The pain and heartache was left at the bottom of a glistening pond, never to resurface. There was a great big expanse of living out there to be done and I knew God’s divine hand was holding mine. How comforting it was to rest in the shadow of His wings.